Caregivers
A glimpse into the unspeakable
It’s difficult to deal daily with suffering, be it mental or physical, or both. It’s difficult for those who are experimenting illness and their caregivers as well. In the role of a caregiver you need to be strong, you need to stay motivated. This job is usually not for the faint of heart.
Who’s willing to do it?
In Western countries there are many so-called foreigners who take it upon themselves. They come from Asia, Africa, Central America, and East Europe. They help families with disabled or ancient parents, giving freedom to those who work all day long or can’t or don’t want to make the choice of taking charge personally. They become part of the family. But who takes care of their wellness?
An hypothetical sketch in a normal day of a caregiver.
Disclaimer: people and facts mentioned here are not real. They’ve been inspired by personal experiences and knowledge of other professional caregivers.
Legenda: C = Caregiver J = John
A typical day in the life of John, paraplegic man with Tourette syndrome, and his caregiver, woman, from East Europe.
J: “Hey you, give me the damn book there! Go, go ,go!”.
C: “Yes, John, I’ll pass you your book, but I guess you would like to ask it politely. Do you remember what we said about being nice to each other?”.
J: “Move your butt off, I want it now! F..k, f..k, f..k!”
C:”O.k. John. Just give me a chance. I’ll finish cooking your porridge, it will burn if I leave it now. Only a moment and I’ll get you your book.” (Here we go, the day isn’t started yet and he’s already being nasty).
J: “ I want it now, now I want it. You silly woman, you’re not able of doing anything”.
C: “Come on John, you know I’m here to help you (you damned unhappy bastard, why can’t you just wait a minute, I’ve only got two hands).
J: ” You know how many I can find better than you. (screaming) Give me my book now!
C: ” Here I am John. Here’s your breakfast, and here’s your book. Please take your pills, the blue and the yellow one. Here they are.”
J: “I’m not gonna take them today. I’m tired of this f…ing damned pills. Tell the doctor to go to hell!”
C: ”Yes, John, I’ll tell him after you’ve taken your pills”. “Now, please, eat your porridge and take your pills, that’s all you have to do for the morning”. “In the afternoon we’ll go for a walk”.
J: ” You and your plans for the day. I’m doing what I want. I don’t want to go out today”.
C: ”Ok, John, just take the pills, later we’ll see.” (what a heavy stupid insignificant show you have to put on every day!)
Sarah = S (caregiver). Monique = M (lady with brain injury, not able to move, with damaged short memory).
M: ”When will you give me my breakfast?”
S: “I’ve just served you your breakfast, madam”.
M: “No, I haven’t eaten yet. I’m hungry!”
S: “Well, I’ll give you some fruit in a moment, be patient, please!”
M: “Why don’t you want me to have breakfast!?”
S: “ You had milk and cornflakes my dear”.
After five minutes.
M: “I’m hungry. Why don’t you want to give me food? Why are you so naughty to me?”
S: “I want to give you all the food you can eat, dear, but you’ve already had your breakfast.”
M: “No, it’s not true. You’re a liar! You didn’t give me any breakfast. I ate nothing.”
S: “ Be patient, Monique, you’ll have your fruit snack at 10, and then you’ll have your lunch at 12.30”.
M: “You don’t like me, I know for sure. You wouldn’t leave me without food. Give me breakfast, please, at least a biscuit!”
The same complaining conversation happens to repeat all day long, because Monique can’t remember what she’s recently done. Her surgery, called callosotomy, detaches the connections between the two sides of the neocortex, and the seat of language, conscious thinking and movement control are no longer related to each other. She always feels hungry and she cannot control it.
Patients with Alzheimer disease, Parkinson, Dementia Senilis, mental health problems, they all require a lot of patience from their caregivers. They do not complain or get aggressive on purpose: they are ill. Their caregivers know it. They’ve been instructed on what to do. They know which pills their clients are going to take.
Nevertheless, it’s stressful to cope for many hours a day with this kind of situations.
Whenever you’ll have the chance of meeting with a caregiver, support their untold story. The story that they may be bearing with a sense of great frustration could become lighter. If only some of those words could come out of their mouth to be shared with another human being, empathetically! All the mean, negative, unconfessable thoughts could be for once digested in a different way. It requires a great presence of spirit to take care of suffering people.
The cases of caregivers abusing their clients may enter the category of burned out or unmotivated and untrained people, not only that of selfish and bad individuals. What if an unexpected hand could be offered to them? Such would be, for example, the spontaneous supporting chat with a neighbour or someone belonging to the family entourage. What if there could be many different self-help groups supporting caregivers? What if anybody could handle just a little bit more of our ill sisters and brothers, apart from professional caregivers?
To be able to take care of another suffering human being you need to be balanced, you have to know well your limits, you need to be a superhero, and, sometimes, an asshole, at least in your thinking or shared words. That would be human, too. Let’s not be stingy with our fellow caregivers. Let’s hand them our support from time to time and share their burden. They deserve it.